Backhorn or Shoescratcher?

Adele recently pointed out to me the weirdness of that fact that backscratchers often have a shoehorn on the other end. "Do only people with itchy backs wear tight shoes?" she asked. I have no answer to that question, but I obtained one of the strange implements for myself and I decided to break all the rules!


Study the above photo. So far, so good. It seems that I am merely yet another of those unfortunate people who have itchy backs and tight shoes at the same time. But wait! I must be some sort of revolutionary! Watch how I proceed to employ the shoehorn attachment to scratch my back! Has this ever been seen before? Anarchy! Where will it end, O where?


As if not satisfied with this cultural upheaval, I decided to take my radicalism to the limit. Behold! I used the backscratching attachment to lever my foot into a shoe! Purists and pedants may wish to sneer and denounce my shoe as a sandal; they may also claim that I'm tickling my foot into it, rather than strictly levering it. But so what?


The gesture is what matters, not the petty details. Did Napoleon consider petty details when he crowned himself Emperor of France? Was Stalin interested in petty details when he conquered Berlin? Details are of no consequence; and if you don't believe that, peer more closely: the truth of that statement is in the detail.

* Back scratched with shoehorn!
* Foot levered into shoe with backscratcher!
* The world will never be the same...

The Taste of Dandelions

I have been told that dandelions taste like honey. So I tried eating a few. But they don't. It's a fib, probably spread by bees.


To celebrate this fib I wrote a poem. It's not very good, mainly because I'm not a poet. Anyway, here it is:

Dandy Lion
stylish cat in a cravat
with cape and cane;

you thrill to nibble zebra cutlets
in absinthe sauce
until your little gutlets are quite full
at the Cafe Royal.

Such a decadent feast
for the king of beasts
is sure to make a stomach ache.

I wanted to add a line about hearing a "dandy lion whine" but I couldn't find a way of working it into the poem, so I left it out.

A Book Cast Adrift

And let me not forget that the original point of this Postmodern Mariner blog was to promote my book, The Postmodern Mariner, probably my lightest and funniest book, though also my worst-selling book of all time (I have no idea why this should be!)... The fact it never had an official booklaunch might have something to do with the low sales. Hopefully a very belated booklaunch (two years late!) is coming up soon. Mind you, I have been saying that for ages...


If you enjoy strange comic fantasy, or if you are inclined to take pity on a poor author lost on the wild seas of the writing world, copies are still available direct from the publisher. Simply click on this link to visit his homepage.